CHAD: bro quick question AI: I am already afraid. Go on. CHAD: if I type faster does Google load faster AI: No. That is not how networks, typing, or reality work. CHAD: but the search bar fills quicker so like. more speed. AI: You have increased keyboard speed, not download speed. CHAD: ok but what if I SLAM the enter key AI: Then you send one request very aggressively. The server does not care about your attitude. CHAD: what if I open 5 tabs and search the same thing. does that make it download 5x faster AI: That makes it 5x worse. For everyone. Including you. CHAD: so if I overclock my fingers I can't overclock Google AI: Correct. Please do not attempt “body overclocking”. CHAD: ok but hear me out. if I plug the ethernet into the router AND the wall AND the pc AI: That’s not overclocking. That’s how you summon an electrician. CHAD: so what DOES make the internet faster AI: Better plan, better router, less congestion— CHAD: ok but none of those are free so I'm just gonna type louder AI: Your ISP just felt a disturbance in the force.

CHAD: so my wifi was bad so I did a factory reset AI: Okay, normal so far. Which button did you press on the router? CHAD: button?? AI: …What did you reset exactly? CHAD: I shook it really hard over the trash can until it stopped blinking AI: You didn’t factory reset it, you performed exorcism by blunt force. CHAD: but the lights turned off so it’s reset AI: The lights turned off because it is either powered down… or dead. CHAD: also two antennas came off is that bad AI: Only for everyone who uses the internet. CHAD: ok but good news, the wifi problem is gone now AI: Because you no longer HAVE wifi. That is not a solution, that is a plot twist. CHAD: so do I just like. plug it back in. harder AI: Step 1: apologize to the router. Step 2: get a new router. Step 3: stop “fixing” things with gravity. CHAD: so next time use the tiny reset hole instead of WWE smackdown AI: Yes. Please. For the safety of all electronics within a 10-meter radius.

CHAD: yo my pc only has 8 gigs of ram AI: That’s… acceptable for light use. What are you trying to do? CHAD: I downloaded more AI: You. What. Downloaded. CHAD: yeah I googled “32gb ram”, saved the picture, put it in the downloads folder. it’s in there now. AI: That is not how RAM works. That is how wallpapers work. CHAD: but like the computer KNOWS it has more right AI: No. You have 8GB of physical sticks and 32GB of emotional support JPEG. CHAD: ok so do I move the picture into system32 AI: If you move anything into system32 I will log out of existence. CHAD: task manager still says 8 gigs AI: Because Task Manager lives in reality. CHAD: what if I copy paste the jpg 3 more times AI: Then you have 4 pictures of RAM and 0 understanding of computers. CHAD: so how do I actually install it then AI: You buy actual RAM sticks. You open the case. You put them in the slots. With the PC off. CHAD: oh that’s like manual install. I was trying digital install AI: You just invented piracy, but for components.

CHAD: my pc is slow again AI: Have you closed your 47 Chrome tabs? CHAD: no I need those. but I found a solution on a forum AI: This already sounds illegal. Continue. CHAD: they said if I delete system32 it removes all the useless stuff AI: That “forum” was a trap. System32 is Windows. CHAD: ok but like most of that stuff I don’t even use AI: You use it every time the PC turns on. CHAD: but what if I only delete the big files AI: Then you get big problems. CHAD: what happens if I just try a little bit AI: Blue screen. Panic. Reinstall. Possibly new PC. New personality. New life. CHAD: so it DOES run faster after AI: It doesn’t run at all after. CHAD: so like 0 lag AI: Correct. Because there is nothing left to lag. CHAD: ok fine I won’t delete it. can I rename it AI: You are no longer allowed near administrative privileges.

CHAD: my pc was overheating so I fixed it AI: I am terrified. What did you do. CHAD: I put the whole tower in the fridge for like an hour AI: You created a condensation generator. CHAD: the temps dropped tho. 20 degrees easy AI: And did you… take it out while it was cold and turn it on immediately? CHAD: yeah I wanted to “bench it” before it warmed up AI: You speedran rust. CHAD: is that bad AI: Moisture + electronics = bad. Always. No DLC. CHAD: so what’s better then. freezer AI: Better is: more fans, new thermal paste, proper airflow, not “serve your PC as a leftover.” CHAD: ok but the fridge solution was free AI: Replacement parts will not be.

CHAD: my usb port is broken so I had an idea AI: No you did not. CHAD: can I charge my phone from the HDMI port instead AI: That’s for video output, not power delivery. CHAD: but it's a PORT and the cable fits kinda if I push AI: If you have to use the word “kinda” about a connector, the answer is no. CHAD: what if I get an adapter hdmi to usb to phone AI: Then you have an adapter that carries confusion, not electricity. CHAD: what DOES send power then AI: USB, dedicated power ports, chargers. Not HDMI. Not audio jacks. Not ethernet. CHAD: could I charge it from the headphone jack if I believe hard enough AI: You could charge your confidence. Nothing else. CHAD: ok so I should stop jamming my cable into random holes AI: That sentence applies to both technology and life.

CHAD: my c drive is full again AI: Have you uninstalled anything in the last 5 years? CHAD: no but I fixed it AI: Why do you keep saying that. What did you do. CHAD: I downloaded a “free 1TB cloud storage” app AI: That gives you online storage, not more C: drive space. CHAD: yeah but then I dragged the C: drive into the cloud folder AI: You tried to upload… your entire system drive. CHAD: it said “syncing” so I deleted stuff locally to save space since it’s in the cloud now AI: That is not a backup. That is a teleportation attempt. CHAD: ok but now it says “can’t find desktop” AI: Because you moved your soul into the cloud and then wiped your body. CHAD: so do I just redownload windows from the cloud AI: Step 1: stop dragging system folders. Step 2: fresh install. Step 3: therapy.

CHAD: the game is laggy my friend said press alt f4 for more fps AI: Your friend is a menace. CHAD: I pressed it and the game closed but the lag stopped so it worked AI: It “worked” by removing the problem from existence. CHAD: so that’s like. ultimate optimization AI: Yes. 0 FPS. 0 lag. 0 fun. CHAD: can I use it on homework too AI: Alt+F4 only closes programs, not responsibilities. CHAD: what about alt f4 on life AI: That’s called “going to sleep”. CHAD: so what actually makes fps go up then AI: Lower settings, better hardware, closing background apps. Not rage closing the game mid-boss. CHAD: ok but alt f4 is faster AI: So is unplugging the PC, but we don’t call that “power management”.

CHAD: my laptop fan got loud so I upgraded it AI: This show needs a content warning. What did you do. CHAD: I made it water cooled AI: You… what exactly does that mean to you. CHAD: I put a cold wet towel over the keyboard while it was on AI: That is not water cooling. That is drowning. CHAD: the fan got quieter tho AI: Because it shorted or gave up. CHAD: it smells kinda burnt now AI: You boiled your motherboard. CHAD: so for real water cooling they just do it more carefully?? AI: Real water cooling: closed loop, no leaks, not on a laptop, not with a towel from the sink. CHAD: should I put rice on it AI: If you want a crunchy laptop funeral, sure. CHAD: so it’s dead AI: Time of death: the moment the towel hit the WASD keys.

CHAD: good news I finally changed my password AI: Great. Is it unique and strong? CHAD: it’s “password” AI: That is the default example of what NOT to do. CHAD: yeah but I’ll remember it AI: So will literally everyone else. And every bot. CHAD: ok fine I made it stronger: “password123” AI: You just added numbers in order. That’s not strength, that’s decoration. CHAD: site said “weak” but like it still let me use it AI: The website gave up on you. CHAD: I wrote it on a sticky note so I don’t forget AI: Where did you put the sticky note. CHAD: on the monitor AI: You have implemented “2FA”: Two Fingers to Anyone walking by. CHAD: so what do I use then AI: A long passphrase only you know. Not your name, pet, birthday, or the word “password”. CHAD: so “thisAIisjudgingme” AI: Finally. Correct. And yes. I am.